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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in freakaleek01's LiveJournal:

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Friday, August 28th, 2009
2:36 am
 im so tired of feeling this way. how much longer can i just wait around for somebody. i love him so much and i feel something special with him but obviously thats not how he feels about me. He tells me it is but it seems like all lies. WHy do i believe him. It's my fault for believing him. I should have never let y guard down. EVER. I worked so hard to keep it up adter lil g i didnt want to fall for another man for a long time. how did this happen? why am i like this. i mniss him so much and im not even on his mind. it hurts. i wish he would just contact me but its so fucking complicated i dont even know what to do anymore im just about ready to gibve up...
Saturday, April 25th, 2009
2:22 pm
 wow. these are the characteristics of someone who was emotionally abused. no wonder i am the way i am i always just thought i was crazy.

  • Feelings of low self- esteem (they say as a result of being criticized.)
  • We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.
  • We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.
  • We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved. (I would say not wanting to lose them, having an extremely hard time "letting go.")
  • We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This causes us to feel inadequate and insecure. (I would say it further adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.)
  • We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.
  • We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. (And we confuse love with need)
  • We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.
  • We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
  • We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.
  • We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. (I would add because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.)
  • Denial, isolation, control, shame, and inappropriate guilt are legacies from our family of origin. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.
  • We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. (ie become codependent)
  • We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.
  • We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.
wow this described my dad 100%...
Lack of "emotional safety" is the number one indicator of a potentially dangerous relationship. It may seem subtle, yet it is ever so significant with respect to your well-being.

When you have emotional safety, it's palatable. You can feel it in every fiber of your being. When it's missing, you may feel its loss. Or, you may simply know of it not being there by the presence of these five glaring signs.

1) Not honoring your privacy

If something is in a drawer, it's in a drawer out from public display. Someone having no business in that drawer may be drawn to explore its contents. And further, this uninvited explorer may take issue with what is discovered. Beware of these signs of emotional abuse.

2) Not respecting your boundaries

If you say "no," will it be the end of a discussion or the beginning of a negotiation? When "no" means "maybe" and becomes a challenge to convert into a "yes," beware of emotional abuse! You may be enticed to surrender your initial preferences simply to divert the consequences of your failure to comply.

3) Not appreciating your experience and/or your feelings

If your inner world is not noticed, or factored into decisions involving both of you, beware of this non-empathic partner. Your inner world may interest him or her when, and only when, it serves their needs. Having an interest in your experience merely because it's an expression of you is not to be expected with an emotional abuser.

4) Not being willing to have mutual involvement in your interests

Mutual involvement doesn't mean equal time doing your interests verses theirs. Rather, it is reciprocal "interest" (or acceptance) in that which interests you. The emotional abuser does not show an interest (or awareness or understanding or involvement) in your interests because these activities or things please you. Instead, he or she shows an interest only as it serves him/her.

5) Not honoring you for who and what you are

Intentionally seeking to alter who and what you are to suit one's own preferences, rather than accepting you as you are, is the most glaring of these signs. (Be mindful of the distinction between someone's efforts to alter you to suit their needs verses offering constructive criticism to contribute to your growth.) The emotional abuser will seek to mold you to become who and what they desire.

While each one of these undermines emotional safety, in combination they make it impossible. If you encounter this cluster of signs, you are probably looking at an emotionally abusive relationship. Seek to understand the constellation of symptoms defining intimate partner abuse before the emotional abuse spirals out of control.




The question is what do i do now?



Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
1:40 am
the past...
So.. I took a trip to sacramento to visit my friend leila. i have been wanting to get away from the bay area for a while but i just pushed it in the back of my mind. Moving somewhere else just sounds so good and a fresh start. I started thinking about everything and I have decided to move to Sacramento. It will be better for me and my heart tells me that it will be a good decision for me to make. I am very excited but yet it also got me thinking about the past 21 years and everything that has happened to me in San jose. Now im depressed thinking about it and i dont know why. I look at ppictures of when I was young and I get so sad because I think about my chiodhood when I was so young and the things I had to see. I look at me when I was like 2 thinking God why did that little girl have to see the things I saw? Why did that girl so young have to grow up so quicjkly because she was the parent in her whole family situation even at age 4 and 5. I justy get so sad thinking about it it feels like I missed my whole childhood. I cant help but cry when people bring up things about when I was a baby or young and when I liked boybands and those days. I was so innocent and naive. what happened to me? it is so depressing the path that life takes you in. That little girl is gone and now in place of it is me. A person with years of hurt pain and abuse under their exterior that they carry with them day by day. Sometimes the pain isnt that bad but sometimes it still is very real to me. I need to let go of the past and move on. it's very hard to let go when I have all these memories surrounding me. Everything that has happened to me has made me who I am but I cant help but wonder why the things had to happen to me at such a young age. Like my parents divorcing and the things i had to see. I honestly dont know if I will ever forgive my dad for the things he did. Its so sad but yet it is very true. The memories are still real to me and they are in my mind sometimes. It feels like it all happened yesterday. Why did a little girl have to go through so much pain? I guess I will never know. How did I get so lost and confused and had all that bad shit happen to me? I was so lonely and in a way I still am but i respect myself a lot more now. I am so happy to be at this point but then I still cant help but wonder about the past. Moving to Sacramento is going to be a way for me to leave my past behind and start over fresh and put it all behind me. I wont have to be around the people who hurt me the most, I will be in a tranquil environment with people who care about me in my own place with my own freedom. This is the best thing for me. I have always longed to be independent and San Jose just doesnt have anything for me anymore. I will come back one day maybe but for now my heart is telling me I need to leave. I will miss everyone but I will come down to see them and they can visit me. I do feel like I am making the right decision I just have been thinking a lot about my past also with it. It will all fall into place I am sure.. and I know that good days are ahead of me.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
12:49 am
Lately I  have been thinking about a lot. I have decided to clean up my life one step at a time.  I did my car a couple days ago and took it to the car wash and it looks and smells great. Now I  am working on my room. Once I do that I am going to focus on myself and going to the gym so I can look and feel good. Work has got me so stressed out that it isn't even worth it anymore. I just don't know what to do. I am looking for another job I  guess that is all I can do. I  think about guys from my past a lot and find myself missing them. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel crazy. I am trying so hard to just let the shit with ronnie happen but i like him a lot for some reason but I feel like God is trying to teach me to let it go and just leave it up to God and see what happens so I  am cleaning up my life to open up room for love and everything else the universe wants to offer me. It is hard especially not having sex with guys with girlfriends or anyone in general but i feel like it will all work out in the end for me if i change my patterns I will be rewarded. I  will feel better about myself and I will not be ruining relationships. I  Just want to make room for new things. Some days I get sad but other days I am pretty hopeful and optimistic :)  I will keep it updated. and Alex don't start ignoring me I love u,

Current Mood: creative
Monday, December 8th, 2008
10:29 pm

... i have been wanting to write in this for a while but it seems like i am always out and avoiding dealing with my feelings. There is so much on my mind. Sometimes I  feel like there is so much I am hiding underneath my smile. I try not to let it show but sometimes it pokes its way through and people see how I really am. I feel like if people knew the emotions I have that they would't even want to be my friend. Sometimes I  get so sad and I  am tired of just avoiding it. I feel so confused, I do not know what I want I really don't. I  feel like I  have been shattered since the whole thing with jessie happened. I don't miss him anymore at all really but I still have the emotional hurt and pain. and the walls that have been built. I  have a very big problem trusting guys and I feel like all I am good for is sex. This shit is all in my head I try so hard to make it go away. I feel this certain loneliness in my chest all the time. It is always there, no matter what happens. I don';t know what it is and what it is telling me. i try to cover it up aand ignote it but it is always there. Will it ever go away?  What am I supposed to do? I have let people treat me so horribly in the past that now i am SO guarded and I do not trust ANYONE. I always think people have motives and people are out to get me. I use sex as a way to connect and I think that has a lot to do with my loneliness. WHy do I always have sex with guys with girlfriends there is obviously a lot more to this then it just being a coincidence. I am so scared of intimacy and emotional involvement but then I want the guys to care about me in a weird way?  Like in a way I do not care about them but I do in a way also. It is weird. I do not think this is really anything having to do with the guy at all I think it is something in me. I think I should write a closure letter to Jessie so at least the emotions I  have for him will have some sort of conclusion. maybe that is a start? I want this deep loneliness to just go away :( I work 50 hours a week to avoid it I do everything I can to avoid it but today I want to face it. I think the start is writing the letter to Jessie so here it goes...

Dear Jessie,
Where do I even begin? The pain you have caused me has changed me. I will never be the same person I was before I  met you. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  I really am not sure. I was young and naive and just a young girl. Now I have became a woman who doesn't know if she can ever let any guy in again. A woman with so many insecurities and questions. Why did you do this to me??  I  know you cared about me. ,but why are you so irrational. This letter is not to be fair it's not to be anything except to be helpful to me so really fuck you is how I feel about you. Before you I  hadn't slept around, then when I met you all I had in my mind was sleeping with guys to get back at you or to replace the loneliness you had caused me to feel. To this day, nobody has ever replaced you and I  am not sure they ever will. You have taught me so much about myself that I should be thanking you in a way. But then,. it also hurts so bad thinking of what you did to me. You shattered me, You broke my heart in a way I never thought anybody could. Everytime I see you I  just think about all of these things and how you were everything to me. I  wonder how much you really loved me. I  know you loved me a lot in your own sick way, I do know this. But it just wasn;t enough.  Do you still think about me???  Did china really replace me or is she just there as a replacement like all the guys I  have been through to try to replace you in my mind but my heart, it won;t be fooled. Why:??  I don;t know. My heart knows how I feel but my brain tries to tell me differently. I loved you with all my heart. Yes I did have sex with Juwan but who cares I  dont think you understood the only reason hge was in my life to make me feel good about myself when you were not treating me right. Every man I have been with since you has been to replace you or get over you.  Except Kieven but with him I dunno... I care about him, but I am not putting myself into it because I  don't want ot get hurt again like you hurt me. When you got with china you knew exactly how much i would be hurt,. but you didnt give a fuck. I know I broke up with you but I believe true relationships could be solved no matter what. Now, I would never go back to you. But, at the time we could have fixed it. You just didnt care though,. I know I hurt you but you hurt me even more. Everything i did to you, I did because you did to me. The pain I felt hwen you slept with my best friend(s) will always be with me. I truly am over you I do not want to vbe with you but I  want to deal with the pain. I loved you more then anything and I  will always have love for you.  You really did me a great favor by making me into a stronger person and into a woman. But i also despise you for making me go through this.  I  know everything happens for a reasin abd everything will work out for me, but I  need some closure with you. I know I  cannot do it in person so I  have to do it here just to get it out of me. I am tired of holdign this all in my chest. It is a weight that has been with me for a while and I  need it to be gone. I already feel so much better. Thank you for changing me into a smartwe person who  will never get walked on again.  I do thank you, Everything happens for a reason and I  know this happened for a reason too. I  am a stronger person now and I  guess you are to thank for that. I am now focused on myself and I  need to keep focusing on myself and not worried about any guy. This is what I am going to do now and it is what you have taught me. You have a child on the way and God blessed me to not make me the mother of that child. My life would have been ruined. I have so much good things going for me and I would have ruined it all for you. What a horrible thing. I  thank God everyday for putting her in that position and not me., so see everything does really happen for a reason. ,Good luck to you.

Love,

Arbella



Current Mood: numb
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
2:32 pm
 ugh losing your job sucks. sometimes im so dumb. at least we all got fired together which is good cause its easier to deal with.

Current Mood: disappointed
Saturday, May 31st, 2008
3:25 am

since this is the only way i can get ahold of u alex i just had the randomest thing ever to tell u. guess whos trying to hang out with me?? michael. yes u saw right. yes. what the hell am i supposed to do??



Current Mood: confused
Tuesday, May 27th, 2008
1:55 am
ugh. do i like kieven or do i not? i think i do. i feel like im pretending i dont just so i can avoid telling him. should i tell him should i not? id ont know and if alex would talk to me i could ask her what to do and fill her in on the situation but she never respoinds to me :( ugh i feel so confused on wat to do. i need someone to talk to.please alex call me

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
12:25 am
 for some reason this week has been like really emotional for me and i dont know why. all these things keep coming up from like years past and all these old feelings and all the pain ive kept inside for years. i just cry sometimes and just think about everything i have done and seen in my life and it just is so overwhelming. i just dont know what makes me the way i am. i get so sad when i think about my whole life and i feel like i am making such slow progress that i never get where i want to be. *sigh* i listen to the song butterfly kisses and for some reason that song touches me like no other song because its what i have always wanted. i always just wanted a dad or parents who felt that i was special and good enough to be their child. ever since i was a kid all my parents did was tell me how everything i did was wrong when i was the when taking care of my mom when she was drunk and having panic attacks when i was like 5. then they wonder why i have so many issues. they wonder why im such a "low life" and a "whore" and "fat" and a "disgrace" and the "worst daughter ever" what did i ever do to them to have them treat me this way. i feel like they don tunderstand me and nothing i will ever do will be enough for them. they will always want more. the fey dont get that they have a big influence on who i am today. sometimes life feels so unbearable because i just feel like i am lost in the world. i dont feel like this all the time, i mean im happy sometimes... i just dont know. i always wanted one of thoe dads who really cared about me and loved me and wasnt judgemnental and mom too. I just feel so alone sometimes it really hurts. maybe the only person i reallly need is myself. i feel like nobody really understands me and all i been through. they jsut see me and think im so lucky and im funny and all this other stuff. I am lucky because i am alive and i have been fortunate in some areas of lifel but money doesnt buy happiness and people dont understand that. I just.. i dont know i dont even know what it is that i want really. im just dealing with a lot of this shit. its like everyday i think about a new thing thats bothering me.. i just really get sad thinking about my childhood like i look at pictures of myself when i was a kid and remember how uch pain i was in even when i was 4 or 5 and i just get so sad because i get upset at my parents for putting me through the things they did when i was so young and i felt like i had to hold the whole family together. and then now i end up with assholes and its like its what i feel i deserve. and i dont know why. one side of me knows what i deserves but the other side is in so much pain and is so vulnerable. I dont know. i just know i need to get my life in order eveb though i have been trying but i want to do it more and just be more in control. i need to deal with these issues to move forward... maybe ill talk to my therapist about them i guess.. maybe the pain will never go away.. i sure hope not..

Current Mood: lethargic
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
12:06 am
oh yeah and nobody except two people know this... that i have feelings for kieven for some reason and i dont know why but he has a girlfriend so i just keep it out of my mind and try not to think about it. sometimes he pisses me off though so im not sure if i like him or if its the sex that i really like? but actually i think its the sex because once i get it from him i just leave in the middle of the night lol or like when im with him thats all i wanna do and if we dont i just get hella irritated at him id ont know im very weird?? i dont know he makes me feel good about myself and gives me attention when i dont really feel wanted so i think thats why. but yeah im not dumb so i just tell myserlf not to like him and i can actually control it now because i am not trying to get hurt again and i have learned and i know not to get emotionally involved with sex. i feel so sick right now i really think i might have had a miscarriage i dont know mayve i should go read the symptoms. ugh if eel like puking, i need birth control

Current Mood: lonely
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
11:42 pm
life...
ugh. for a while now ive been feeling really down. i dont know why. i feel so unattractive i feel fat i feel so gross in my own skin. I dont know why but i just cant seem to stop eating. Ive been eating away my problems for years now but it never gets better. i try to tell myself not to eat it but i have no self control and end up making excuses and eating it anyways. eating makes me feel good it makes me forget about my problems at the moment. i feel so unwanted because i am unwanted by myself. the only time i ever feel wanted is with kieven and sometimes i feel like he hates me too. just like how i feel about everybody. not that hes special or that i care that much, but i always feel like everyone hates me. I get so angry at myself for doing this to myself. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed i dont know how to fix it. I just judge myself day on night on everything i say and do. Then i eat and eat and i get even more angrier at myself and then i eat more its a vicious cycle that i dont know how to stop. it really brings me down because my self image has gotten pretty bad because of all the weight i have gained. i look at myself and want to puke all over myself. it really sickens me but i also ant get myself to do anything about it??? ugh. im going to eat good tomorrow and go to the gym. and hopefully i can do this.. no i CAN do this because i have to believe in myself otherwise im screwed. I want to just feel comfortable in my body which is something i have neevr had. but anyways ive also been really down lately. id ont know if its because im on my period after not having it for 6 months or maybe im having a miscarriage cause im finding weird shit in my "period" and ive had it for a long time so mayve im just pmsing?? im not sure. but i dont know im just still sad about jessie and i dont know why because hes a piece of scum but i think about hin so much?? and i also think about china and how we were best friends and she could do that to me// i just was always there for both of them and i woulda given up my life for them and then they just betray me. it really just hurts me deeply. ive gotten over it  a little bit but i still feel it whenever i think of him. i seen him the other day and its just like i have so much in my heart that i want to say to him about how much he hurt me and how much i cared for him, but i dont think thats a good idea. im scared that hes going to just try to manipularte me and with him i can never say no because i still love him. I feel free in a way though becayse i dont miss the drama he brought. I dont have to have sex with people just to get back at him and china anymore and it feels good. The person im having sex with now is just someone that i chose to have sex with even though it was random but anyways i did it because i wanted to and it wasnt just to get back at jessie fo rhurting me so bad. i really just need to stay focused and change my priorities. its so difficult sometimes. im going to change my life starting tonight. i am tired of all thebullshit i just want to feel free and happy. sometimes i get so lonely i dont know what to do. i just wanna fill that emptiness i have from everyone around me betraying me to my friends and my family. i have become so paranoid around friends because i feel like everyone has an alterior motive. it hurts. but its life i guess. but yea nobody even reads this but i just had to get this all out. hopefully kelsi reads this because shes the only person i can but i doubt it. who would want to waste their time reading about my fat ass anyways.

Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
4:56 pm
 The rules are easy, just post 10 things that recently made you happy! Then tag 10 people and force them to post this meme on their LJs. Because it is good. Everyone needs a little happiness once in a while.

1) Being with my friends
2) Sleeping
3) Music

Nothin really makes me happy anymore. so this is hard. but today i started an epiphany and im starting my changing of myself. I will make a blog about it later when im done with work and school, if ever.



Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, December 21st, 2007
12:30 am
 ugh today is just one of those days. i feel sad and feel like im so dumb. for some reason today i been thinking about him again. n i dont know why n its really pissing me off. why do i think about someone who isnt even on my level at all., then i just get so mad at myself. he disgusts me but then i also love him. i wish it would just go away. i never fucking like guys idont know why i have to like him it really upsets me. I would never be wifth him again but then i catch myself missing him sometimes. i just dont know what i did wrong, he always told me i did wrong bt  didnt. he will never know how much i care for him because he doesnt want to believe it. i know that he really loved me too and thats wat makes me saddest.nugh i feel sick. i just dont know.why would he pick my friend over me why what does she have that i dont. EXCEPT STDS  i just dont know. :( i dont want to love someone for a very long time i just cant do it..........

Current Mood: confused
Monday, November 26th, 2007
12:34 am
i  know this sounds weird but i think im slowly getting over him??? i remember kelsi once telling me that before we completely let go of someone that we miss them a lot and then finally let go. a little part of me does still miss him but more of me is like what the fuck was i thinking?? im way better then that nigga will ever be and thats for sure. I need to focus on myself and my own life and see where it is going and thats what I am going to do. I feel pretty content today and I have a lotta guys in my life so i feel ok with that but i also lik ebeing single and seeingall my options haha ok im done gotta wake up early to go with one of them to an interview.

Current Mood: content
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
10:10 am
life is just so fucking sonfusing sometimes. i feel so sad and i feel not understood by anyone especially myself. I confuse myself and I just dont know what im doing anymore. Today I foubnd out that lil g and china live together and for some reason that makes me really upset and i dont know why. I want to just fucking dforget about him and that stupid fucking ho ass ugly ass fucking std infected fucking stupid whore. i fucking hate her i swear i hope she fucking dies i wish death on nobody in this fucking world but her i fucking hate that bitch and i hope somebody fucking slowly kills her and rips off all her body pieces and cuts her flesh piece by piece so she has to fucking suffer as much as she made me suffer when she got with him. Thats how i feel. I try to just be focused and do what I need to do but its so hard for me to stay on track so metimes it really is. I really want to stay on track and I have gotten better but its still so very hard. I am thankful for everything I have and I thank God for what is given to me I really do but life just gets so stressful sometimes that I dont know what to do. WHy do i still love someone that treated me like shit I dont fucking get it. why do i think so poorly of myself i just don tknow. i dont understand myself and it hurts my head im really trying to justg get this stress off of my chest. I just dont know what to do anymore with my emotions. I think I am making life way gtoo cmplicated then it is. I need to calm down and just relax and take life one day at a tinme. I need to stop worrying about other people and what theyre doing because it really doesnt even matter. God has given me this time to focus on myself  and I need to take the time to do that. I am always so busy concentrating on other people and what theyre doing and getting upset but really im just avoiding getting to know myself. It hurts so bad sometimes though that I dont know what to do but I will get through it I know it. I am strong and I always do. I need to be kind to myself and be clear on what I want to do for myself in my life, I just get off course sometimes but I am trying my best to make this work i really am. I need to stay focused no matter what is going on and I need to do the best for my self. I have faith that ic an do it

Current Mood: confused
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
2:59 am
as always im thinking about u know who. but im trying to write about it so that it doesnt get bad for me like i have my feelings sorted out cause i dont wanna do something i will regret later. I saw him yesterday and it was so weird... he hid n then some girl came up to me n asked me why i hate him cuz he told her i did but i told her no he hates me n then he like hid and disappeared like into a corner n was staring and i was extremely uncomfortable lol didnt help his friend kept trying to get me to go into a car with him. ugh. i dunno i miss him so much but i am realistic too and know that me and him wont work out unless he completely changed. its weird like im not hella depressed or anything cuz i will never let a guy get me depressed ever again but i just tend to think abotu him a lot of my day. kelsi once told me when youre about to let something go you start missing it a lot and then it goes away. i hopoe thats what is going on here. because i know we both have made our misrtakes in the relationship and i just need to move on. i dont kno why im so stuck on him when i dont really get stuck on anybody. but o well hopefully the right man will come n sweep me away and we will go to denmark lol jk id ont kno y i said denmark im delirious cuz i need to sleep. im sick too ugh. and im sad novbody even reads these but iuts better that way cuz these r straight from the heart other then t obe for other people. id unno.. just gotta focus on myself

Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
5:55 am
love

love is a complicated thing that might never be figured out. ugh

Friday, November 9th, 2007
2:03 am
another night of not being able to sleep because of moissing him. will this ever go away? I mean I have learned how to deal with it, but why? Why does this keep going on? I really dont know. I think i truly did find my soulmate but maybe its just not right at this time. I am not going to call him or ciontact him in anyway because it is time for me to be true to myself. but i think about him day and night. I think about calling him all the time and it really sickens me. Why do i feel this way for someone who did me so wrong. I feel like i will be always loyal to him no matter what. If he was in trouble tomorrow iw ould be there to help him but why why why. I dont know. i really dont. this is really geeting the best of me i dont know what to do.

Current Mood: depressed
Monday, November 5th, 2007
1:46 am
so
another night that I cant sleep because i am sad about jessie or should i call him that since its not even his real name. UGH. anyways. Lately he is all I can think about and I just dont know why. He is on my mind all the time and i get very sad. I just dont know what to do. The thing is, I know sooner or later hes going to try to contact me. What do i do. I love him with all my heart but I cant give in to anything he says. He has this way with me though that I change when I am around him, im not the same me that I thought I was. What do i do. I am so confused I really am. Why do i still love him I dont know because i shouldnt. but who is there to tell u who you shouldnt love and you should. The way I felt with him i felt so happy like everything was okay. we understand each other in this way that nobody else could ever understand me. but then hes such a horrible person too well id ont think hes a horrible person just very confused. the one time that he confessed everything to me and was crying the things he was tellinbg me were truly from his heart. he told me that he loved me but he didnt know why he treated me so badly cause the girl he was cheating on me with he said he treeated her great but only because he would never care for her as much as he cares about me and in some strange way i understand him. thats what attracts mew to him. i dont know i think were just both fucked up in the head?? i dont know. but the way he opened uyp to me i know he never opened up to anybody and he told me that i was the closest thing hes ever had gto him :( i really love him more than anything and its confusing me so bad. why cant i just forget about him. i dont know why is this, it has been years and years and years its just enough. i dont know whether im sadder with him or without him i really dont. Nobody compares to him to me. I just dont know what to do. why cant i just stop this please let it go away please. it hurts so bad and its just i never get this weak and its killing me. what is wrong with me. Nothing feels better in the world then being in his arms. nobody even reads this so i dont know why im even doing this but its helping me hopefully. I remember how happy i used to be every single night when we would go to sleep and he was on my side I would have this feeling of happiness that I had never ever felt before. Everything just felt so right. But if everything felt so right why did i cheat on him and why did he cheat on me. he told me it killed him when he found out i slept with juwan when he was in jail but i never did but whatever. IF he believes something then he believes it. I do agree i was fucked up i really was but i dont think i deserved what he did to me none the less. EVen though after all this i fucked his friend to get back at him but it just was stgupid cause it wasnt even enjoyable cuz the only thing i could think about is him. I just wish it would go away I really do. I cant be sad like this is just isnt me. especially over some dick. but hes such a great person to me BUT HES NOT ahhh omg i feel like a psycho  patient. I remember the last time we had sex and it sucks cause i always remember it :( hes just so nice sometimes but then he freaks out. I make him freak out i dont know why he like goes crazy and runs down the street lol but he makes me crazy too and then like i get horny cause guys like thgat that are all psycho make me horny WHATS WRONG WITH ME IM SO WEIRD. ugh but anywas. I dont know. maybe one day he will change and we can be together? i dont know. I jus never felt t his way towards a person before. He knew everything about me, and I knew ALMOST everything abouit hin, he even told me stuff about his family that he never even told anyone and ugh i miss it. i dont know maybe i should try to sleep since i have to get up at 7 jkdshglkedjsgkljdslgjlds dammit fuck dammit whatever time to attampt to sleep

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
1:47 am
ugh lately i havent been feeling like myself but i think thats good?? i feel lonely though because i feel like i have lost all my friends, most of them emotionally. They are so involved in shit that I don't wanna be involved in ad finally I am mature enough to not wanna be involved in it and sometimes I just feel so alone. I feel like with my 2 friends that I have matured a lot int he past few months nmore then they have and I feel isolated fromn them and it makes me sad. but yeyt it makes me glad too that im not doing dumb shit because i mean it's time to grow up. Were not little kids anynore to be running around sniffing cocaine day and night. i did that all summer n i am so through with shit like that because it does nothing but bring u down. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH id ont know. but i sure would be happy if kelsi hung out with me cuz i love her more then anyone and shes my kelsi and understabds me,.,. mnost of the tine at least hahga a lotta the shit i do i dont think anybody would understand lol but i think of it as like im so beautiful whyw ould i wat to do things to age me and make me ugly ew and make my nose bleed i am so not goi ng through that ugh gross. anyways i am happy that i have matured though and actually think about things cause before i reallt didnt give a fuck at all. but now i do. I cant wait till i can walk and get a job and go to school,. i moved back home but things r abit rough with the white intruder here ugh. but o well things u gotta do till u make it on ur own i guess
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